Worthy
by Kimura Hana
Summary: Gokudera and Tsuna spend time together after the events of Gokudera's Inheritance in episode 182. Tsuna wants to help, but Gokudera doesn't want to burden him with his secrets and insecurities. 5927. Warnings: mentions of self-harm and Gokudera being way too critical of himself.


_He was really helpful and reliable._

Gokudera couldn't look at Tsuna as they walked their usual route back home. Even if he had managed to get the inheritance he had been so eager to obtain, it meant nothing. He had been humiliated and rejected and, worse, he had realized just how useless he really was. He could never be the Tenth's right hand man if he was so rash and weak, unable to protect him from the simplest dangers. Not that he should have ever expected any better.

They might have been walking slower than normal; every painful second dragged out. Gokudera walked just behind Tsuna on his left, no longer trying for his former goal. There was no point. Someone like him, he realized, wasn't meant to be in an important position, no matter what Famiglia he ended up in. He didn't want to leave, but he couldn't help but return to those feelings of "this is only temporary."

It had always been like that, before Tsuna. Nothing before Tsuna was worth thinking about. It was all fake smiles and tears and pain and scars and _why am I alive?_ He tried not to think about it, because he didn't want the Tenth to glimpse any of that on his face.

Or his wrists.

That was another story.

_Today…I get the feeling I'll be going back to that old habit._ _I don't even know why I do it...it's just temporary relief._

He hates the habit almost as much as he hates himself for doing it.

_Disgusting. Worthless. Pitiful._

He hates the scars. They just make him feel worse. That's why he covers them up.

_I'll just get Tenth home, and then I'll…_

"Gokudera-kun?"

He blinked and realized they were just a street away from Tsuna's house, and the smaller boy had stopped in front of him. "Yes, Tenth?"

"Are…you…?" Tsuna stopped and shook his head. "I mean, Gokudera-kun, can I stay with you tonight, please?"

"Wh-What?" Gokudera asked, astounded.

"I…just thought it might be nice, with just the two of us. And I haven't ever seen your house before…"

"I-It's not at all worthy of a visit from you, Tenth!"

"Please?" Tsuna asked again, giving him the most unfair, adorable, pleading look in the world.

"Of course, Tenth!"

Tsuna smiled, looking relieved. "Thank you, Gokudera-kun!"

"It's nothing, Tenth!" He feels like a broken record. _Tenth, Tenth, Tenth._

They stopped briefly at Tsuna's so he could pass on the message of where he would be staying before heading out in the other direction. It was beginning to get dark outside, and Tsuna edged closer to his Storm Guardian, glancing warily at the dark alleys.

Gokudera noticed and winced, wishing his boss would trust him enough to take care of any dangerous people that might be lurking around. He could do that, at the very least, even if he couldn't do anything else.

"Um, Gokudera-kun?" Tsuna asked quietly. "I know I made a strange request all of a sudden…I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's fine!" he replied quickly.

"I just…thought you might need company tonight…"

Gokudera glanced at him, surprised.

"I-I-I mean, since you had your inheritance trial today…and G was a little harsh…not that you can't handle it!" he added quickly. "You just seem different, Gokudera-kun."

_His Hyper Intuition is great…not that you could expect anything less from the Tenth. But…there are some things I don't want him to have to find out about…_

"Gokudera-kun? Are you alright?"

"Huh? Oh, yes! I'm fine, Tenth! I'm sorry I made you worry!"

Tsuna's brow furrowed for a moment before he forced a smile. "Okay."

It didn't take long to reach Gokudera's apartment, and he ushered Tsuna inside graciously, offering him a drink and food and a place to sit all at once. Somehow, they ended up spending a couple hours watching TV before Tsuna gently pulled the remote away.

"Gokudera-kun, please talk to me," he murmured as the TV flickered off, leaving the room only faintly lit.

"About what, Tenth?" he asked nervously.

"I…" Tsuna sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't notice today that it wasn't you and—"

"No, you don't need to apologize for that, Tenth!"

"But…"

"They said Vongola Primo blocked your Hyper Intuition, right? It wasn't anything you did wrong!"

"But I should have been able to notice sooner! We're best friends, and—and—Gokudera-kun?"

Gokudera was blushing a bright, bright red and had retreated to the opposite end of the sofa.

"We…are friends, right?" Tsuna asked anxiously, misinterpreting his embarrassment as revulsion.

"I-If the Tenth wishes, of course!" Gokudera stammered happily. Then his face fell. _Wait…does he mean 'friends' is all this will ever be, that I'm not good enough to be his 'right hand'?_

Tsuna noticed the shift and quickly moved closer. "Gokudera-kun? Are you alright? Did I say something strange?"

"No!" he answered quickly. "Of course it's not your fault, Tenth!"

Tsuna frowned. "Are you sure you're alright, Gokudera-kun? You don't seem like yourself."

_I don't? Well, he's been with G all day…it's understandable if I'm not measuring up…_

"_Gokudera-kun!_"

He jumped, startled by Tsuna's voice and sudden proximity. "Yes, Tenth!"

Tsuna, hovering about five inches away, was fixing him with an indecipherable stare which slowly faded into a resigned sigh. "If you're upset, please don't keep it all to yourself; I want to help you."

"I'm not worthy of—"

"Stop it!" Suddenly, Tsuna's eyes were fierce again. "Stop it! Stop saying you're not worthy, and stop saying you're not good enough, and stop calling me 'Tenth' all the time!" He was shaking, a mixture of fear and anger forcing the words out of his mouth, because he's never been so forward with Gokudera like this.

And Gokudera didn't even know how to react. Tsuna had never really given _orders_ before, had never really _yelled_ before, and certainly had never been quite so…close. He really had screwed this day up, if he had pushed Tsuna to this point. "I'm sorry, Tenth," he murmured in a low voice, not meeting the smaller boy's eyes.

"Gokudera-kun, please let me help you, or listen if you want to talk, or—"

"Um!" Gokudera interrupted before Tsuna could go any farther. "I'm really fine; I'm just a bit tired!" _Please stop being so nice, Tenth. I'm not sure I can keep this up if you…_

"You're lying!" Tsuna protested desperately. "Gokudera-kun, _I want to help!_" He punctuated this statement by grabbing Gokudera's wrist and pulling him closer.

He flinched and tried to pull away, not used to physical contact from anything beyond fights or…the things from his past. _Pain, anger, fear, desperation, hurt—_

"I just—"

"Please let go, Tenth!" Gokudera interrupted, desperately trying not to get lost in his memories.

Tsuna was so surprised by this request that he immediately loosened his hold and started to worry. "I'm so sorry!" He squinted at Gokudera's wrists in the half-light, starting to move aside bracelets and accessories for a better view. "Are you hurt? I didn't realize you were…" Tsuna's fingers froze above Gokudera's slim wrist. "Goku…de…ra…"

He quickly pulled his arm back, using his other hand to hide the terrifying scars Tsuna had seen, if only briefly. _This can't be happening…_

"G-Gokudera…-kun…?" Tsuna was trembling, and reached for his wrist again. "What…?"

Gokudera bit his lip, feeling the tears he'd bottled up starting to wet his eyes. "Don't look at them, Tenth…"

"N-No, let me…" He reached forward again.

"Don't look!" he cried, backing up to the very edge of the sofa, tears falling freely. "Don't touch me!"

It was only the sound of the tiniest sob that made Gokudera look back at Tsuna's face. Tears were leaking steadily out of his warm brown eyes, and he looked so utterly _heartbroken_ that Gokudera couldn't stand it.

"I-I-I'm so sorry, Gokudera-kun!" he sobbed, trying to cover his face. "I had n-no idea, all this t-time you were hurting a-and I d-didn't know!"

"T-Tenth…"

"I'm sorry!"

"Tenth, please don't…" _I was afraid of this, afraid I'd hurt you or break you or scare you._

Tsuna somehow managed to gather himself for a moment. "Let me see," he whispered. "Please, let me see them again."

"…No." It hurt to deny Tsuna anything, but this… "I can't. I'm sorry, Tenth, I just…" He choked back a small sob. "I-I'll just leave now. You can…Y-You can appoint a new Storm Guardian."

Tsuna's eyes widened. "What are you talking about, Gokudera-kun?"

"I-I'm useless as a right hand man, I can't protect you, I'm not worthy of being your subordinate, a-and I upset you…I'm really n-not fit to be in any Famiglia…"

Tsuna's eyes watered, and he flung himself at the bomber, arms encircling him so tightly he found it hard to breathe. "Y-You idiot! I _knew_ you were upset about what G said, but you don't have to take things to such extremes all the time!" He took a deep breath and let go just enough to look Gokudera in the eyes. "You are not useless; you've protected me more times than I can count. There is _no one_ more worthy than you to be in this Famiglia, and I think your loyalty is your best quality! And you're strong, and you play beautiful music, and you always do your best, no matter what! If anyone is unworthy, it's _me_, because I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you! But you're _my_ friend, and _my_ Famiglia, and _my_…my…right…hand…" Tsuna blushed so red he felt he might explode. "S-So don't blame yourself for things like this! I lo—I mean…I really like you, Gokudera-kun, so please…"

Gokudera stared at him in amazement, unable to stop his tears. "Ten…"

"My name is Tsuna," he whispered kindly, wiping Gokudera's cheek with his sleeve.

"Tsu…na…" Gokudera gasped, wanting to hold or be held again, but not daring to initiate anything for fear of breaking this precious moment.

Thankfully, Tsuna moved forward and wrapped his arms around him tightly once more. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner…"

But all Gokudera can think to say is "Thank you" over and over, because he never once dared to hope for this kind of acceptance.

They stayed in that position for a long time, neither wanting to move from the comforting warmth and embrace. Finally, Tsuna shifted slowly, one hand reaching up to touch Gokudera's soft silver hair. "Okay?" he whispered, but even that seemed loud.

Gokudera nodded wordlessly.

Tsuna smiled a little and wiped away the tears on both their faces. "Okay." He reached for the other boy's hands, only to find them pulled back.

Gokudera had put them behind his back, ashamed.

"Let me see?" Tsuna tried again, and Gokudera allowed him, hesitantly, to touch one arm. Tsuna gently cradled the long fingers in his own, stroking them to feel the soft touch of pianist's fingers clashing with the calluses of a trained fighter. Then, slowly, he made his way up to the wrist and began to slip the accessories off one by one.

Gokudera flinched. "You shouldn't…they're disgusting…"

Tsuna shot him a sharp look. "I want to. You have beautiful hands."

Thankfully, that's embarrassing enough to shut Gokudera up while he removes the last of the bracelets. He traces the scars one at a time. "You don't have to answer this…but when did you…?"

Gokudera cleared his throat uncomfortably. "On and off, since I was eleven. But I haven't done it lately." His eyes are begging Tsuna to believe him.

"You would have tonight, wouldn't you?" Is that the intuition working, or just Tsuna?

He nodded in hesitant agreement. "I'm sorry. I hate it. I just…can't stop sometimes."

Tsuna gave him a sad smile and began tracing the patterns again. "Okay. Just…come to me, next time you feel like you need to. I don't want you to feel like you're alone. I don't want you to get hurt."

"Y-Yes, Tenth."

Tsuna squeezed his hand gently. "Thank you, Gokudera."

_No honorific?_

They both seemed to realize it at the same time and began blushing madly.

"S-Sorry, I—"

"N-No, it's fine—"

"But I—"

"You can call me Hayato!" Gokudera interrupted suddenly.

"H-Hayato?"

He nodded, unable to meet the inquisitive brown eyes directed at him.

"Th-Then, would you please call me Tsuna, Hayato-kun?"

"O-Of course…Tsuna…-san?"

"-kun would be fine. Or just Tsuna."

"Tsuna-kun?"

"A-Actually…" Tsuna stuttered, knowing he might as well say it now. "I…was…I wanted…I…"

"What is it?"

"I w-wanted to tell you something!" he blurted out. "I mean, I was going to wait until we were back in our own time, for good, I mean, but…um…I…really…I mean…I-I love you!" He squeezed his eyes shut, too scared to see the look on his friend's face.

"Y-You do?"

Tsuna chanced a look then, amazed to see a self-conscious smile on the other boy's face. "I-If that's…okay…"

"Of course it's okay!" Gokudera exclaimed. "I l-l-lo-" He looked tortured for a moment, unable to get the word out fully, blushing beautifully before managing "I love you too!"

Tsuna broke into a smile and clasped their hands together tightly. "Thank you, Hayato."

If it was possible, he blushed even more. "O-Of course, Tsu…Tsuna."

They both made the same movement forward, their lips meeting somewhere in the middle. Gokudera let Tsuna take control, partially because he didn't want to scare him and partially because he himself was too scared to be able to think through what to do himself. Tsuna pressed his lips into Gokudera's so gently it made his heart warm, grateful that he had found someone so kind and sweet and pure. He allowed himself to respond just enough to let Tsuna know he was doing alright—this was probably their first kiss, both of them—and Tsuna smiled into the kiss, breathing "Hayato."

And if Gokudera had any troubling feelings that day, he had forgotten them all by the time he heard his name come from those lips and his own response of "Tsuna."

Perhaps he could find a place to belong after all.


End file.
